Cover Story

Redefining 'Grandma'

Women are becoming grandmothers, not in their 60s and 70s, but in their 30s and 40s, and sometimes raise their own grandkids

By Gail Baruch

ROCKFORD WOMAN

Oct 23, 2008 @ 12:00 AM

Grandmothers today like to take a hands-on approach to the role. Sometimes they even play the part of Mom.

Janene
She walks briskly through the cafeteria, her sleek dark hair contrasting with peach-colored scrubs.

At 42, Janene Wright looks energetic and businesslike, befitting a medical assistant and health unit coordinator who manages her own catering company on weekends.

But in her off hours, she’s Granny Nen — full-time adopted mom to two grandsons, ages 6 and 7.

She’s not a gray-haired, rocking-chaired stereotypical grandmother — and she’s not alone.
Wright is one of about 8,000 grandparents in northern Illinois who are raising their children’s

children, according to Teresa Colvin, caregiver specialist for Northwestern Illinois Area Agency on Aging. The majority are women, Colvin said, and many are younger than 65. 

Reasons for raising grandchildren vary. Their parents may be ill, deceased, divorced, imprisoned, unemployed, suspected of child abuse or otherwise unable to care for them.

“I’ve talked to grandparents who have no idea where their child is,” Colvin adds.

The new parenthood
Whatever the reason, these grandmas choose to sign up for another tour of duty.

For Wright, that meant returning to diapers after raising three sons, a daughter and a nephew whose mother died of lupus. She’d been a single mom since her husband died at the age of 32, when her daughter was just 15.

Wright was born in Rockford, the sixth of seven children.

“I never had a grandmother, on either side,” she said. “My mother was my role model. She was the type of lady who would get up and go. I watched how she was and how she worked.”

Wright was 13 when she got her first job, working with younger kids at the Boys &  Girls Club, where she met her future husband. After graduating from East High School, she attended Rock Valley College, where she took classes in medical assistance and business management. She’s worked at Rockford Memorial Hospital for 15 years, most recently in outpatient surgery.

“We discharge the patients, take the IVs out, make sure they feel comfortable,” she says.

About three years ago, she started J.’s Helping Hands, originally providing personal assistance with activities of daily living. When a good friend, Lynn Stephenson, helped her invest in catering equipment, the business segued into catering weddings, parties and community events,

including Bookerfest and the annual Juneteenth celebration. She prepares some of the food, orders and serves it, and provides planning, vending and decorations.

“I’m an excellent coordinator,” she says.

Her organizational skills were put to the test five years ago when her daughter became unable to take care of her two small sons. Wright took temporary custody.

“The ladies in outpatient surgery helped me maintain my job,” she says. “I never had to take a leave of absence.”

Her mother, who died two years ago, “really, really helped me out.” So did her teenage sons.
Eventually, Wright decided to make the arrangement permanent by adopting the boys, Marrion, now 7, and Mardarius, now 6.

“Mainly I was thinking of the kids,” she says. “I couldn’t see going to visit them at someone else’s house. I want to make sure they get that education and stay healthy.”

Despite her busy schedule, she finds time to read to the boys and take them to the park. She also makes time for herself. She’s a facilitator with the Rock City Unique Steppers, a dance group that offers classes and private lessons. She’s in charge of fundraising for minority students to tour colleges, for which she was named Corporate Black Achiever of the Year by the YMCA. She’s involved with the Northern Illinois Minority Contractors Association, United Way and the YMCA’s Black Achievement/Hispanic Achievement program, for which she is a director.
She’s quick to credit others for helping her raise her grandchildren.

“They’re very close to their uncles,” she says. “They help by putting them on the bus. Their other grandmother takes them every other weekend. She plays a big part in their lives.”

And recently her daughter returned to Rockford and has been helping when she can. Wright has always worked to maintain her daughter’s relationship with the boys.

“It’s a slow process,” she said simply.

As Wright looks to the future, she envisions someday having an empty house. Until then, she’ll be shepherding her sons through their ’tween and teen years.

“It’s a long haul, but it’s worth it,” she says. “One day they’re going to said, ‘My granny raised me and she raised me right.’ ”

Marla
Marla McCann doesn’t remember her grandmother. Her father’s mother lived in Sweden; her mother was adopted.

But her mother was a lasting role model. McCann thinks of her as she raises a 4-year-old daughter at the age of 67.

“I loved my mom like nothing,” she said.

Her mother worked nights as a nurse in the county hospital’s polio ward. McCann remembers neighbors crossing the street to avoid her mother, afraid that she carried the disease. One woman, who lost a son to polio, would phone her every morning to talk about her grief.

“That was really hard on my mom,” she recalled. “She was very gentle and very loving. If you can give that to a child, they can pass that on to their children.”

McCann was the youngest of three children, born and raised in Rockford, graduating from East High School. She married and eventually raised an adopted son. She also cared for about a

hundred foster children, including seven hard-to-place teenage girls, who lived with her at the same time.

“They were pretty nice kids,” she said. “All they needed was someone who really cared about them.”

McCann divorced, remarried and later moved to Wisconsin, moving back to Rockford after a house fire. She and her husband, Bill, settled into a comfortable routine. Then her son and his wife gave birth to a little girl.

“They couldn’t take care of her,” she said. “There was a lot of turmoil. She came home with me.”
A year later, the McCanns adopted Abigail. It was not a rash decision.

“I had fears about my age, of course,” McCann said. “There were days I hoped I was doing the right thing. But if we didn’t take her, someone else would and we would never know our granddaughter.”

Their lives changed last November, when Bill died unexpectedly of a heart-related problem. McCann takes comfort in the last month they spent together. They all raked leaves, visited a pumpkin patch, went to a Halloween party and trick-or-treated.

Abigail still speaks of her daddy, who she said is in heaven. She likes to tell McCann, “You are my best Mommy ever.”

She’s an active and talkative 4-year-old who proudly draws the letter “A” and shows off her toy dog, Clifford.

“I’m trying not to have her miss out on things,” McCann said. “I don’t want her to feel cheated. I do things for her like younger mothers would do.”

Summer meant vacation Bible schools, swim lessons, play dates and a trip to Wild West Town. McCann reads to her every night.

“I want her to feel secure and wanted,” she said. “When the time is right, I’ll tell her she’s adopted.”

McCann said she has a good support system, including her sister Jan and other family members. Her son and his wife are doing well, raising a new baby and helping McCann when they can.

“There’s no strain there,” she said.

Abigail comes by for a hug and to ask for some grapes, which McCann has ready for her. She watches her red-haired daughter dance out of the room.

“She’s been a big help for me, kept my mind off things and kept me busy,” she said. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Jeanne
God has a way of changing your life, according to Jeanne Thomas.

Her change came 16 years ago, when her son died in a backyard accident. Greg, 11, had been pretending to be Indiana Jones, using a rope as a whip, when she found him unconscious.
Three months after his death, she joined the staff at Zion Lutheran Church.

“I had all this love to give and no place to put it,” she explains.

Today, among other duties, she runs a support group for grandparents raising grandchildren.

They meet the first and third Tuesday of each month, but some are in touch almost daily. She’s always on call.

“We’ve become a supportive family for them,” she said.

Many are younger than 40 and don’t qualify for Medicare or Social Security. She cites one 40-year-old grandmother who’s raising two teenage daughters and their two babies. It’s not rare for girls as young as 12 or 13 to give birth.

Grandmothers older than 65 face raising kids on a fixed income despite rising utility, grocery and clothing costs, she said. Many can’t drive or don’t own a car. Some have health problems.
There are other issues, as well.

“There is grief because your child has failed,” Thomas said. And while some family situations are clearly dysfunctional, “if you turn your child in to DCFS, you may not see your daughter or your grandchild again.”

The grandchildren, too, may have special needs: fetal alcohol syndrome, drug-related problems, attention-deficit disorder, a history of sexual or physical abuse. Younger kids are sometimes used as drug-runners because they don’t get jail time. Grandparents need a forum to discuss their problems without being judged.

“This group is confidential,” Thomas said. “They tell what they choose to tell and they’re fiercely supportive of each other. One grandmother recently lost her grandchild. They all went to the funeral.”

The church provides more than just emotional support, Thomas said. A food pantry, Sunday school and parenting classes are offered.

Thomas coordinates year-round programs for children and adults, teaching everything from puppetry to carpentry to getting along with others. She also facilitates the Zion Girls, a service club for preschoolers to high schoolers. They make crafts for veterans, shut-ins and residents of facilities like the Walter J. Lawson Children’s Home. They learn what it feels like to help others, she said, to be part of a community. For some, it’s a new experience.

“We’re not a village raising grandchildren anymore,” she said.

Things were different when she was growing up, the oldest of three raised by a single mother. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles were very instrumental in her life. She graduated from Guilford and married at 18, after meeting her husband on a blind date at age 16. They raised four children, who were active in Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts and Sunday school at Zion, where Thomas has taught for more than 30 years.

She would have been content raising her family and volunteering, she said, until Greg died.

“You have to give back in order to be whole,” she explains.

The first move was spearheading the building of a playground at Lathrop School in his memory.

The second move was becoming director of children’s ministries at Zion Lutheran Church. That led her to take classes at Rock Valley College to learn about childhood development and medical issues. She earned her degree in two years, while working 40 hours a week.

Some of the kids she worked with were being raised by grandparents.

“Their needs were not being met,” she said. “I asked to be a facilitator.”

Sixteen years later, she’s still helping strengthen families at Zion and the surrounding neighborhood. She credits her family and her faith for helping her through the hard times.

“You can make a difference one day a time, one child at a time,” she said. “God has a plan.”