Cover Story
When you’re newly single, you’ll find new social landscapes to navigate
By Co Leber
ROCKFORD WOMAN
Apr 25, 2008 @ 12:01 AM
Socializing after the death of a spouse or divorce can be challenging and rewarding. It might be difficult to be around happy couples. People will want to set you up on dates. You even have new territory to go over with your best friend. Three local women weigh in on what worked for them during this time of transition.
Socializing as a widow
“We live in a ‘Noah’s Ark Society’ — two by two, and now I’m a one.”
This was said by a widow in a support group I was facilitating. Everyone in the group immediately related. I heard stories about how the potluck group they’d belonged to for 40 years suddenly seemed to forget them. The neighbors who had shared lives with them became acquaintances.
How does this happen? Not only are widows reeling with the pain of losing the person they love, but they are losing some aspects of their lives they counted on for support.
Sometimes one half of a couple feels threatened that there is suddenly a single person in their group. Sometimes being around a widow reminds people of their own mortality and that of their spouse.
During grief, we often find support where we least expect it.
While we cherish our old relationships, we search for ways to be comfortable in new situations. This takes a lot of courage. It sometimes takes all we have inside of us to join a singles group or support group.
We don’t want to be labeled single when we were part of a couple and wanted to stay that way.
However, part of that grief journey is starting to make new relationships, making new memories and being able to feel that your life can go on, just on a different level from before and within your own time frame.
We never lose our connection to the loved one who no longer is in our lives. They are never replaced, but our lives can be expanded and enhanced by taking new paths.
I remember lines from a song from my long-ago Girl Scout days – “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold.” There’s an important message there.
— Melinda Hagerman, a funeral director at Fitzgerald Funeral Home, has facilitated support groups and conducted grief workshops.
Dating after divorce
Working your way back into the world after divorce takes time, healing and pushing beyond your comfort zone. It is difficult to know where to start.
Family can be a good source of help if they are supportive. Talk with friends who have been through divorce to see what worked for them. Friends who are good listeners also are important.
After a divorce your friends will change. Some might feel loyalty to your ex and some to you. They mean well when they ask you to go to a movie or dinner. As difficult as it is, go. You will be surprised how good it feels to get out.
Don’t listen to people who tell you to just move on and get over it. Also, stay away from people who want to bash your ex; this serves no purpose.
Healing is extremely important, and you need to allow yourself plenty of time. You will become more comfortable in your own skin and your new situation. You are a different person, and you will see the world with different eyes.
Several churches in the Rockford area offer a free series called Divorce Care, a Christian-based 13-week course that includes videos and group discussion. Its facilitators have been through divorce.
Even though sometimes you’ll feel you just can’t go on, you will. You can come out on the other side a better person. Divorce isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new, sometimes exciting one for you.
— Lynn Coffman helps with divorce recovery sessions through First Evangelical Free Church.
Creating a support system
As someone who enjoys alone time, socializing wasn’t my first solace, but that initial thought was wrong. As I reflected on the experiences of my husband’s illness and death, I looked outward for support without realizing it. I joined a fitness club, hired a coach and shared with her what was going on.
A community of friends that grew to 300 followed the process on a “care page,” an Internet site that supports journaling and messages as loved ones are sick and dying.
It’s important to reach out, but one needs to explore the inner terrain of grief, painful as it is. There are times in the fitness club or at the supermarket when no one around us knows what a state someone recently widowed may be in. Being with other women, with family, with another who has a recent loss can help. Walking the dog, working in the yard, cleaning the house, sharing dinner: doing these things with another can be helpful. Yet, ultimately, we face that we are alone even if someone is next to us.
— Virginia Burton, Ph.D. RN, clinical professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago, Rockford Regional campus, was divorced after 17 years of marriage and widowed in August after 10 years of marriage.
