Any woman who’s lost a child will tell you it’s the most distressing pain a mother can experience. There’s no simple solution in coping with the death of a son or daughter, but having faith to rest upon can lessen the ache of bereavement and open a person up to positive change.

After losing her 4-year-old daughter, Carol Ann, to an illness in 1992, Linda Hedlund at first couldn’t bring herself to eat, and she dropped 25 pounds to her high-school weight. She told her husband, Michael, that she felt she needed to die so she could see Carol Ann again. Hedlund went to counseling, kept a journal and joined a support group with her husband, but ultimately, she gave her loss to God.

AMY J. CORRENTI | ROCKFORDWOMAN.COM
Linda Hedlund finds solace in the belief that she will some day be reunited with her daughter, Carol Ann, who died in 1992.

“Grief is awful. It’s the worst thing in the world. It brings you to your knees,” she said. “I prayed. I prayed every day for strength. I had nowhere to go but looking up. I thought, ‘OK God, I left this in your hands, and now I need your help.’ ”

Hedlund, 45, a medical transcriptionist who lives in Winnebago, finds her greatest comfort — a reunion with Carol Ann — in her beliefs.

“I know where my daughter is; she is in heaven,” she said. “By grace, she came into my life, and by grace, I’m going to see her again.”

Keeping memories important
For now, Hedlund finds solace in memory. Her sons, Stephen, 18, and Marc, 14, ask questions about the sister they never knew. The family always finds a way to celebrate Carol Ann’s birthday, July 17. As the most frequent tradition, the Hedlunds buy Blizzards at Dairy Queen and go to her grave site to sit and eat the ice cream.

“We still have her picture hanging up. The boys have never been shy or embarrassed talking about her,” Hedlund said. “The one thing I never wanted to do was erase her from our family.”
 
Catherine Rennert, a licensed clinical professional counselor with a private practice in Rockford, affirms that memory is important in recovering from the loss of a child.

Catherine Rennert

“As painful as it may be, I think that remembering is more important in the healing process than trying to forget,” she said. “I don’t think closure means that you turn the page and start a whole new chapter.”

Rennert, 65, who has two grown sons, says that the grief women face in losing a child is unique simply because of the bond between a mother and her offspring.

“It’s sort of like that Scriptural quote, ‘Before you were in the womb, I knew you ...,’ ” she said. “There’s a sense that we have beyond words of who that child is. They’re a part of us. It’s a loss that can’t be articulated very easily.”

Experiencing grief
Rennert, who also serves as the local coordinator and facilitator for Rachel’s Vineyard, a spiritually based recovery workshop for women who have experienced regret after having an abortion, says that grief can give way to positive life changes.

“We come from God, from the source of all life, and we forget what we knew,” she said. “I think that if we allow ourselves to experience grief and don’t just push it away, it can take us to a part of ourselves that we never knew was there or a part of life that we never knew was there, because it strips away the distractions of life. That could help a person see and begin to treasure the essential things in life. It can be a turning point in life that can make them want to reach out to others.”

Raymona McClain found her calling in ministering to others after she had two miscarriages and lost three preterm babies between 1985 and 2000. All were medically unexplained. Now, McClain says she feels a special connection to grieving mothers.

Raymona McClain

“I can’t tell them how they feel because we all feel differently, but I can tell them that I’ve experienced loss,” said McClain, 43, who resides in Rockford with her husband, Alphonso, and two children, Richard, 21, and Jarre, 16. “The Word says if I open up my mouth, He’ll speak for me, and I take that literally.”

McClain has volunteered to minister to teenage mothers, and she worked for three years at Rockford Rescue Mission, mainly with women and children. She also worked a year for the Haven Network, a perinatal hospice and bereavement center in Rockford, before the economy forced them to downsize her position. She’s looking for a place where she can continue her passion.

“There’s so many things I want to do,” she said. “I’m looking for somebody that needs me. Somebody out there needs me.”

While loss is difficult to accept, McClain believes she was meant to experience grief so that she could minister to others.

“I truly believe that my pain was worthless if no else gains from it,” she said. “I can now help somebody else who doesn’t know which way to turn.”

Where to get help
Local resources include:

Northern Illinois Hospice and Grief Center, 4215 Newburg Road in Rockford, offers family counseling and individual counseling for all ages, as well as support groups. The center also offers resources for supporting a grieving friend or co-worker. Contact center Director Cindy Brown at 815-398-0500 or cbrown@northernillinoishospice.org, or go to northernillinoishospice.org and click on “Grief Center.”

Safe Harbor, sponsored by Fred C. Olson Funeral Chapels, is a support group for grieving parents who have lost a child older than 3. Safe Harbor meets the third Wednesday of every month at 6:30 p.m., in the Fireside Room of Gloria Dei Lutheran Church, 4700 Augustana Drive in Rockford. For more information, contact Karon Pfile at 815-636-4750.

The Haven Network is a perinatal hospice and bereavement center at 215 N. Fourth St. in Rockford. Call 815-962-1512 or e-mail info@thehavennetwork.org. Healing Hearts is a support group offered at the Haven Network the third Monday of every month at 7:30 p.m. For more information, go to thehavennetwork.org and click on “Healing Hearts.”

Rachel’s Vineyard is a spiritually based ministry for post-abortion recovery. Call its toll-free national hotline at 877-467-3463, or go to rachelsvineyard.org. The next local program is scheduled for Oct. 23-25. For more information, contact local coordinator and facilitator Catherine Rennert at 815-968-1157 or crennert@rennert.net. Rennert also runs a private counseling practice in Rockford and works with adults, teens and children.

Staff writer Jeniece Smith can be reached at jsmith3@rrstar.com or 815-987-1227.